passionate

overwhelmed

some days
I want to be

instead of
numb

instead of
issues
that circle
non-relevance
outside a close circle
of one or two
and some role
created
just to give someone a job

I some days
want to be overwhelmed

I want something
something to throw a fit over
like we all did
over anything when we were two

overwhelmed

some days
I want to be

this stormy night

the wind chimes
fight back

steadfastly

they will not let up

yelling and clanking
their way against the storm

they will
defeat the rain
and outlast
the cold
the wet
the air

their strings bind them
and may one day
set them on separate ways

but they will live on
more from the shadows
and from behind the shrubs
in which they'll fall

If
and only if
I don't get to them
first

loved

I loved

before

before
I met you
her him or her

I loved
I was loved

I saw stars
in my dreams
while young enough

I thought
songs
could come true

now

a little more rounded
on the edges
they have

I found dreams
and they grew

grew into
two new lives
that never were before

they look out
with slants i've installed
and their own free balance

they look to me
for the way forward
and I give what I can

I loved
when I was alone
and I love
now loved

agree

we
agree

today

we can both honor
our obligations

we mean
well

we mean to spread
only good

but the road
well
you know the shit
that it is paved in

we agree
we all want to help

but can't

we can't
get over the few big differences
to pick up the vast mess
we all see

I drove to the cliffs
they over looking the bay
it over looking the ocean
and it all
still sparkled
like a fresh new thing

I want
at least twenty more generations to see that
and feel at least as good

we
agree

on watching my children

held
here

watching
new innocence
enter the world

another attempt

to see
and love
the world whole

untainted
soft and sharp
in their wit

both true and sincere
at the same time

they have
not lost the edges
like i

for me
every thing
is a balance

a world full of so many
that are neither all good
nor all bad

as a result
I expect less
out of most
that I meet

my children
still expect the best
and are thrilled
with whatever they get

and we both
get what we expect

122

January
22nd

sunset
in blue
and rosy
peach
cotton

floating
in patches

between here
and the blue

I think
orange
has a role

horizon
holding
black

contrast

all distinct
and separate pieces
not looking for each other

but being found
all
the same




Photo: Matthew Stout Jan. 22 2009 @ Santa Cruz near Natural Bridges

night

and I see only stars
but how many sunsets
are there
out there

feeling big
and forgetful
I act like nothing
happened

and really
only more of the same did

sure I find
a little beauty in every day
but after they roll into weeks
months
years

what have I done
to make a sunset
to paint a picture
to grow

I'm just another star
drowning in a big black sky

talking mostly to myself
hoping my waves
touch sky

somewhere

alone

the best and the worst
all rolled up
in when you're alone

the middle ground
all just fine
in full company

but the best paintings
and words come
alone, aided
in whatever else
you use

self deprecation
self instructed relationship therapy
a good drink
or worse yet

stability
like a medicated state
to a bipolar patient

I lucky enough
to have some stability
of life
and mind
to live past pushing
the envelope
an inch or so

but not so creative
to pull pure genius
from the fabric of my being
yet still trying to get close
and live

january leaves

winter
in addition
to the cold
and the extra blankets
coats, shoes and socks

we have
a second skin
grown from the past
hard months

january leaves
and february falls
upon us

the trees outside
no distraction of spring
yet

no green
on branch
or wallet

and the house
is a disaster
crying out
for a cleansing spring

I was never that
much of good
and uncommon sense

too much in the moment
blown from season to season
a human full of love
and creativity
but short on what matters
to the organized world at large

you fell in love
with this
and now
find you must live
with it too

I am sorry
but not really
as no one is good
at both sides of the coin

and our dreams then
were greener
when this was still on the other side
of where we were

I will keep
looking ahead
if even to only spring
there is still
a lot yet to bloom
and I am not done

unaired

no matter
how easy
you make the words
I'll only be
able to sing them
kept in my head
known and appreciated
but left unaired

the smell

the smell
of what we've done
growing
harder
harder to bury
a little harder
to stand in front of
a little harder
to out shadow with manners
and professed morals
protections aging from steal
to egg shells
all around