Remember

you rest
your head
on me

I sit
and hold you

and think
remember me
this way

please
remember me

always
this way

the one
who could save you

the one
who could hold you
and make almost any tears dry

the one with who you discovered wonders wide
in the world we created

the world I could never have had
without you
and these moments

and now as you grow
into your own ways

these moments where I make it into all you need me to be
grow more precious and scarce

tonight as my shoulder
once again becomes, at the moment you fade, soft as any pillow

I will miss this
I think
maybe the most of all

Grasp

memories
like
   craft glue

hold only
past
   so many tears

no resistance
   to the wet

as they peal off
back in the corners
   and all over

a new
dispassionate yet
irrational state
swells

colder
even here
   in June

skin coarser
and untouched

routine
unrelenting
and even less rewarding

go long enough
and everything will unravel
even my bones

my love
and the dust on my heart

memories
are just that
   a reminder

do you remember too?

are you just tired?

once powerful
now
   like I

everything one does
so many days now
just a drop in a great river
   that runs away

never adding up
to what I saw go in

memories
are just that
   a reminder

I want the rest
the love
the belonging
you

The earth
[that] I affect
in a gain at a time

but by exponential
reproduction
my kind
has the numbers
to turn molehills
into mountains

then fill them with goods
that 'll glow hair

and finish with a drink
from the water down stream

The earth
[that] I affect
in a ton at a time
a tooth
in the gears
one of many
and many

a cloud is forming
between me
and my sun

yet it won't even bring me rain
to wash in

At Winter's End

In the mud
I leave you

I hope
that you find your shell
a burden

at just
the right time

and that you
set out
to find
new roots

new meanings
new colors

new abundance

for now I leave
you

here
in the mud

something

I'd be smaller
if not for you

you gave to me
something

something
to work away from

something
to grow beyond

something
to avoid

Something
to use as a ladder
to find new footing

the world
is
always
trying
to better itself

even past missed
messed over
family disasters
and stumbled upbringings

I'd be smaller
if not for you

you gave to me
something

something
I never would have asked for

something
another parent would never have

something
I hope I didn't miss

something
I hope I took as an example

an example
to avoid

but a gift
still

life
is full

and never
taken

on watching children
learn about barn owls
(particularly, dissecting owl pellets, school is great)

owls
eat their
prey

in pieces
but
wholly

how
one does that
and gets a small skull

out
the other end

with a face
as serious
as theirs

i don't know

must be all the feathers
i lack

open

and
closed


fence

and
gate


mote

and
bridge


let

let me

in

let

let me

out

a dependable pendulum

self interest
is sometimes
when anger tainted
to be contrary

and thus self fulling
in your own betrayal

This
is all

this here
is all there

this here now
is all there is

this here and now
is all there is today

this here and for now
is all there is for today

this here and now is for you
and is all there is for today

these lines
have grown

these lines have
grown too long

these lines have grown
very uselessly too long

the
smacking

the tongue
smacking shallow

the tongue slow
smacking the lips

good
night

good night
long night

this here
is all

this
is

blow

10
nine
8
seven

running
out of
excuses
and double checks

6
five
4
three

the tarmac
is rubbery more
than the three am temperature predicts
watching the signals

2

wathing the signals

1

commited
in for the ride
here we go

to death
do us
blow apart

say

i can say it
all right
and still find no ears

I can find ears
and still find no brain

i can say it
and find ears
and brain
but have the world
overtake the importance

by the world
I mean out of control
events and spells
that reduce our higher needs
to empty stomachs

to protection
of young
and last dollars

space
house
street
or chair

don't touch
no don't touch

for one I'll feel comforted
when your intentions are wholly unclear
yes still

and two
I sill want
to be
stronger
than you'll humor me

words fall
in tongues
familiar
yet meaningless

I look
for a sunset
to mark a new
beginning

this needs
reset

but where
is the random seed
for if my thoughts alone
lend the foundation
to the next beginning
we'll full circle again

I am nearing
the day
when a mirror
is a curse

and running
is a noble pursuit

no
I am there

it is time
time
for us all
to make
the making we want

the time
the time
is
now

and comes
and goes
like a nap
well intentioned
but distracting

good

I am sorry
but this is no good

I was sincere
when we started
but now this
this is clearly not my problem

and bigger than
what kept me in bed all last saturday

I think
sadly
that you are on
your own
free to tailspin

free

I have neither
the lift
nor weight
in my presence
to pull you out
nor stabilize the flight

what fancy colors
in which you live
I love it really
but not enough

positive

boots
for floorboards
turned to mud

I am getting out
even if the swim
is through quick sand

when I leave
at the end
of the day
I am taking my life back

for my family and
my daughters
and the bits of myself
that I still have

passionate

overwhelmed

some days
I want to be

instead of
numb

instead of
issues
that circle
non-relevance
outside a close circle
of one or two
and some role
created
just to give someone a job

I some days
want to be overwhelmed

I want something
something to throw a fit over
like we all did
over anything when we were two

overwhelmed

some days
I want to be

this stormy night

the wind chimes
fight back

steadfastly

they will not let up

yelling and clanking
their way against the storm

they will
defeat the rain
and outlast
the cold
the wet
the air

their strings bind them
and may one day
set them on separate ways

but they will live on
more from the shadows
and from behind the shrubs
in which they'll fall

If
and only if
I don't get to them
first

loved

I loved

before

before
I met you
her him or her

I loved
I was loved

I saw stars
in my dreams
while young enough

I thought
songs
could come true

now

a little more rounded
on the edges
they have

I found dreams
and they grew

grew into
two new lives
that never were before

they look out
with slants i've installed
and their own free balance

they look to me
for the way forward
and I give what I can

I loved
when I was alone
and I love
now loved

agree

we
agree

today

we can both honor
our obligations

we mean
well

we mean to spread
only good

but the road
well
you know the shit
that it is paved in

we agree
we all want to help

but can't

we can't
get over the few big differences
to pick up the vast mess
we all see

I drove to the cliffs
they over looking the bay
it over looking the ocean
and it all
still sparkled
like a fresh new thing

I want
at least twenty more generations to see that
and feel at least as good

we
agree

on watching my children

held
here

watching
new innocence
enter the world

another attempt

to see
and love
the world whole

untainted
soft and sharp
in their wit

both true and sincere
at the same time

they have
not lost the edges
like i

for me
every thing
is a balance

a world full of so many
that are neither all good
nor all bad

as a result
I expect less
out of most
that I meet

my children
still expect the best
and are thrilled
with whatever they get

and we both
get what we expect

122

January
22nd

sunset
in blue
and rosy
peach
cotton

floating
in patches

between here
and the blue

I think
orange
has a role

horizon
holding
black

contrast

all distinct
and separate pieces
not looking for each other

but being found
all
the same




Photo: Matthew Stout Jan. 22 2009 @ Santa Cruz near Natural Bridges

night

and I see only stars
but how many sunsets
are there
out there

feeling big
and forgetful
I act like nothing
happened

and really
only more of the same did

sure I find
a little beauty in every day
but after they roll into weeks
months
years

what have I done
to make a sunset
to paint a picture
to grow

I'm just another star
drowning in a big black sky

talking mostly to myself
hoping my waves
touch sky

somewhere

alone

the best and the worst
all rolled up
in when you're alone

the middle ground
all just fine
in full company

but the best paintings
and words come
alone, aided
in whatever else
you use

self deprecation
self instructed relationship therapy
a good drink
or worse yet

stability
like a medicated state
to a bipolar patient

I lucky enough
to have some stability
of life
and mind
to live past pushing
the envelope
an inch or so

but not so creative
to pull pure genius
from the fabric of my being
yet still trying to get close
and live

january leaves

winter
in addition
to the cold
and the extra blankets
coats, shoes and socks

we have
a second skin
grown from the past
hard months

january leaves
and february falls
upon us

the trees outside
no distraction of spring
yet

no green
on branch
or wallet

and the house
is a disaster
crying out
for a cleansing spring

I was never that
much of good
and uncommon sense

too much in the moment
blown from season to season
a human full of love
and creativity
but short on what matters
to the organized world at large

you fell in love
with this
and now
find you must live
with it too

I am sorry
but not really
as no one is good
at both sides of the coin

and our dreams then
were greener
when this was still on the other side
of where we were

I will keep
looking ahead
if even to only spring
there is still
a lot yet to bloom
and I am not done

unaired

no matter
how easy
you make the words
I'll only be
able to sing them
kept in my head
known and appreciated
but left unaired

the smell

the smell
of what we've done
growing
harder
harder to bury
a little harder
to stand in front of
a little harder
to out shadow with manners
and professed morals
protections aging from steal
to egg shells
all around

my cup of tea

I have a cup of tea
all my own
chipped
neglected and ignored

spending away
myself doing
things I do not live

I have a face
aging
showing true
in at least regret if nothing more

is life

is life pre-planned

laid out

pre-determined

the beauty in
how well we keep it organized
and on track

or is life
more rewarding
when rolling with chaos
and emotion

the beauty in the surprise
of what peaks around by chance
at each new turn

hills abound
my life
and challenge me well
to choose the low road
around

which has more
achievement
more learning and expanse
over expense

even in valuation
against the cost
of all more plausible routes

I get so little being just here
and yet everything

and going out
I break many limbs
but the ones that hold
give me new breath
and new vocabulary

a new bend
in the fabric of our experience
a new curve
a pesky wrinkle that won't die

a new chance
to experience something
previously undone in the world

here to give eyes
to the parts of the universe that can't see
in whatever way I can

is honor
a reward for skill
or restraint

for risks well chosen
balance can be death if missed even slightly
only it is so slow it is mistaken
for what it was

years of following expectations
and potlitities

if you can't rise at the moment
choose heart felt chaos and creation
over stability and repetition

and just love
something
even a rock
if that is the best
you can

we love

love
you are such a pick up artist
make us feel anything
to get what you want

sweep us left
then right
knock us over the head
and no matter we smile
once hooked

except on your down sweep
oh how hard you can flatten
what was an uncrushable future
full of magic and promise

love
on your back
there are
a million hearts
bound then broken

I guess in the balance
a few less broken
but what does that forgive

a power of kisses and roses
that farts can't douse the perfume of
one day

then the next
in you hand is the equal of a
frigging lump of slippery wet coal

we stand and blow in your wind
like tender little blades of grass

we love

wanting to sing

up
beyond
my voice

sill wanting to sing
but nothing moving
metaphorically and in reality

slipping into a death
of this last outburst of words

eyes to heavy to be held open
by an now lighter heart
good night

love to the muses
that still echo
to remind me I can
still sing in my own way

in pieces

picking crumbs
from the floor and teeth
not knowing
whose smile
I am wearing

what was this
world
suppose to become

what was this world
to teach itself

under the dirt
out in my backyard
under the fake plum tree
all flower no follow through
there is something

something I think
is everywhere

bits of the universe
just trying to take a look
evolving eyes
and ears
some left behind to eat what there is

us one of the farthest along
and yet maybe to far
all confused and diverted
by an overload of possibility

or maybe that
is exactly what the goal was
to piece by piece see and fell it all

chance

the treasure
has no chance
in the suburban
maze

all trying to be the same
or purposely and destructively
standing out

what
were we trying
to achieve

is a dream really yours
in the heart
if shared so widely

I can't maintain such passion
in those circumstances
can't more than flow
in such a pool

but finding the way
to tread
the current
just right
to not lose what I had
and to get what I can become

this is the struggle
that eats me down to a blubbering
apologetic
noncommittal
buffoon
worse than when I left the race

I apologize and ask
forgiveness
and preface
everything so far
anything I start is already a day
closer to its death
at the start

but I am getting there
finding a start
finding a way back
to waht I started
a decade ago

planted

I planted the seed
before
it grew
out of hand
into a tree

before it grew into a formidable
water pipe threatening menace
it was just a seedling

then roots only inches
in reach

contained in plastic
seed cell packs

I planted this
beginning

I planted
this ending

this growth that now threatens
and will be destroyed
for not comprehending
what we could ultimately be capable of

the chain saws we can draw upon
the wood chippers we can tow
behind simple vehicles

there is no match
yet

except
the complete death
that awaits after we get the last tree

looking up

I can see
your castle
high on the hill
the mountain it completes

breaking the back of those rocky ridges
into submission

watch us toil in envy
and in the dream
that we might replicate
ourselves into your place

and in the less
that drops more freely

we work for pay
and promises that shift
and beliefs in dreams
that color our future brightly
whatever it be

treat us just well enough
to stay in the game
to buy, to spend
to show up again
at the appointed times

I can see you
but not really
so high
so far
so long
away
from me

out of reach
or will
or means
for sure

I can see
but it is not
as much
as I thought it was

pennies still valuable
before each pay day
even in these more
funded years

december sun

sun
dark light
has your hand

last night
still grew

sun
where
are you

the grey
clouds did light up today
but the rain
and all
obscured you

and dark light
still rules more of the clock

in days
you'll come
again
but mark an end

an end
to longer nights

I still remember
in a vein or vessel
and a muscle or two
the summer heat

and already
the cold will
begin to turn away

sun dark
sun light
sun take the night
and follow it out

follow it into the new morning
the new mark on the wheel

round the sky
give back the day
its turn
in warmth

Sometimes

sometimes
it matters more
what the music stirs
than what it says itself

me stirred well
and thankful everyday

December 21st, last year just past

short days
dwindling
long nights

click click click
something goes

caught in the wheel

echos calling
clearing our throat
of cold and colds

short nights
I will welcome
your retreat

as do the seeds
chilled in the mud
cells stirring still

short days
farewell

short days
dwindling
long nights

here marks the change
the sun I watched die tonight
now sleeps it longest sleep

tomorrow
is a new day
another in long chain
of first days
circle after circle
stopping and starting
in a night like this

2:52

2:52

Thursday
in December
work

reward
of sorts
but not of dreams

but where
else to spend
december

all slows
and waits

even the sunsets
this week
crafted themselves
in near motionless leftovers of storms past
or brewing
but not in the moment

sitting
waiting
like us all
for the last rays
to cast upon us
something
something worth while
something that said
we are not dying

the worlds walls
are thin
the times are
turning

let me show
let me give
let me do
something
anything
that says
I am not dying
that says we
are not
dying

if

read me if you can
bare it
avoid me
as you will

it was 55 degrees last night at the coldest
just two mornings before we had frost

somethings never change
and others tun on a pin head

once again the trees are blooming in winter
only to surely have their fruit fall short
of what a little more work could have made it

so to do I spill over
prematurely
and unrestrained
unrefined

but this
this is me

and yes
you should never
use the tool to complain
or explain itself
but again I have.

sitting

sitting in clutter
trying to find a remote
looking for anything
to reach across the void and change the channel

take away this life
and replace the scenery
decorate the visible 180 that the best screens can capture
even in that best upscaled 1080i hd

I'll take even just that half
even though it weighs less than advertised

sitting in a mess I can't catalog
but can still navigate just enough
essentials like kitchen and toilet
oh and tv (minus remote)
all visible

lives being laundered
or buried in the unfolded
towels thrown
but no surrender answered

let the onslaught take me
please take me away
give me wings
or amnesia
some disorder to follow out
of the mess